Dark Humor Jokes Nobody Should Ever Read

It is said that comedy is the last bastion of free speech. Since we are free speech absolutists, we vow to carry on the grand tradition of telling dirty, offensive jokes. 

It is the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn, and cross it deliberately. We must routinely test our threshold for how sick and depraved we can truly be.

Great comedians like George Carlin, Richard Pryor, Lenny Bruce, and Bill Hicks paved the way for us degenerates who love laughing about horrible things. It makes the world a better place if we can laugh about disease, mass killing, and historical atrocities. 

Dark humor can also be very artistic and political, which can make us think. 

Generally speaking, if you enjoy sick and twisted humor, you're likely to have a higher intelligence than most people. And raunchy humor allows us to better bond with cool people who aren't assholes. 

In the spirit of the old comedians who took the risk in developing the most intense, extreme humor, we pay homage. Comedy is under attack and it is the final frontier for freedom. We must defend our right to tell dark humor jokes before it's too late! 

Lenny Bruce was once arrested for telling offensive jokes. Ari Shaffir boasts that he has received the most death threats for his comedy. Youtuber Count Dankula was arrested and fined in Glasgow for posting a comedic video the police deemed "grossly offensive". 

Some countries have even banned offensive humor outright. So, it is our responsibility to keep telling these jokes in a world that has become so easily offended that they would want to use real violence to silence humor.

As Carlin said, you can joke about anything. There are no limits. There is nothing too taboo or too sensitive that you can't derive humor from. 

In a world that is so completely wicked, we need all the comedy we can get, and the more offensive the humor, the more we'll laugh. And the world needs laughter. 

So if you're a fan of delightfully and horribly inappropriate comedy, check out these classic dark humor jokes while its still legal! Remember, they're just jokes, they cannot hurt you without your consent. 

If you're easily offended, perhaps its best if you move along. The brave and worthy may proceed. 

 

Dark Humor Jokes

 

1. Dark humor is like food, not everybody gets it.  

2. Dark humor is like a kid with cancer, it never gets old. 

3. What's the hardest part about eating a vegetable? Putting her back in her wheelchair. 

4. What do you call the useless skin around a vagina? A woman. 

5. Why can't Michael Jackson be within 500 feet of a school? He's dead.

6. I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather did, not screaming like all the passengers in his car. 

7. What's the difference between a dead body and a Mercedes Benz? I don't have a Mercedes in my garage. 

8. What's the difference between jelly and jam? I can't jelly my dick into your girlfriends ass.  

9. What do you call a cheap circumcision? A rip-off. 

10. Why was the leper hockey game cancelled? There was a face-off in the corner. 

11. They say the quickest way to man's heart is through his stomach. I find going through the ribcage much easier. 

12. My senior relatives always tell me at weddings, "you'll be next", they stopped when I started telling them the same thing at funerals. 

13. My girlfriend said she wanted a fairytale wedding. I said "okay", and gave her a loaf of bread and left her in the woods. 

14. I lost my job at the library. Turns out books about women's rights shouldn't go in the Fantasy Section. 

15. My daughter asked me how stars die. I told her usually from a heroin overdose. 

16. I was shocked when I found out my toaster isn't waterproof. 

17. I thought opening a door for a lady was considered good manners, but all she did was curse my name as she flew out of the plane. 

18. My boyfriend dumped me, so I stole his wheelchair. Guess who came crawling back? 

19. My wife was mad at me for ruining our anniversary. I don't know how, I didn't even know it was today. 

20. If you think I would tell a joke about Alzheimer's Disease, forget about it!

21. My wife said she wanted another baby. I said, "good, I didn't like this one either."

22. What's blue and taps on glass? Baby in a fish tank. 

23. I was blessed with a 9 inch penis. That priest is in jail now. 

24. Say what you will about the Nazis, at least they did a lot of scientific research without harming any animals. 

25. Why do orphans like to play tennis? It's the only time they get love. 

26. I recently learned that pigeons sometimes die during sex. The one I fucked last night did anyway. 

27. If you see one burn victim, you'll usually see a group of them. They tend to stick together. 

28. How many chained up women does it take to change a lightbulb? Not 8, because my basement is still dark. 

29. How many babies does it take to paint a wall? Depends how hard you throw them. 

30. These jokes are so dark, I'm surprised the cops haven't shot 'em. 

31.  What's the hardest part of seeing a bus full of people explode? My penis. 

32. What's the best perk about being an abortion doctor? You never had to buy dog food. 

33. What did the necrophiliac say when asked about his love life? "It's not great, the rotten cunt split on me." 

34. Why did the semen cross the road? I wore the wrong sock. 

35. What did the hobo get for Christmas? A slow, painful death from hypothermia. 

36. What's long, yellow and can't swim? A bus full of children.

37. A baby seal walks into a club.

38. A pick-up line that works every time: "Excuse me, does this rag smell like chloroform?"

39. What does the ATF and a box of chocolates have in common? They'll both kill your dog. 

40. Why are there no jokes about Jonestown? The punchline is too long. 

41. Why can't you fool an aborted fetus? It wasn't born yesterday. 

42. Where did the children go during the bombing? Everywhere. 

43. What do you do when your dishwasher stops working? Give her the back of your hand!

44. What did the leper say to the prostitute? Keep the tip. 

45. My grandfather has the heart of a lion. And a lifetime ban from the zoo.

46. What did Cinderella say when she got to the ball? *Gag noises* 

47. What do you say to a woman with two black eyes? Nothing, you've explained it twice. 

48. How does a non-binary person commit murder? They Slash Them

So while you may not want to blurt out random dark humor jokes in front of your new girlfriend's parents you're meeting for the first time, it's always nice to have an arsenal of jokes to break out when the time is right. 

Nothing quite like sitting around a campfire, drinking a few beers, and telling obscenely offensive jokes. It's what life is all about. The dirtier the jokes, the better. 

We as a species have evolved to live in groups, and joke-telling has helped us form strong bonds over millions of years. 

Don't let anybody tell you that there are certain things you can't joke about. Always read the room first, but know that there is nothing inherently wrong with telling an offensive joke. 

Use these dark humor jokes at your own discretion. We are not responsible for any trouble you cause with them. 

If you enjoyed these jokes, take a look at all of our Offensive Shirts!