Being a vegan for 20 years, you hear a lot of the same jokes. People think they're funny when they're generally not. They're quite satisfied with themselves when they can land a joke about vegans as if it was the first time the joke was ever told.
It's embarrassing, but once in a while they'll surprise you with a joke that's actually funny. You have to give credit where credit is due.
Now some people think that since vegans follow a strictly plant-based diet that they don't have enough protein to understand a joke.
They think that since we are morally and philosophically opposed to the mistreatment of animals that we are devoid of the ability to laugh. We are humorless malcontents just waiting our chance to lecture everybody about veganism, right?
Some people think we are arrogant and pretentious, and that we think we're better than everyone else just because our vegan diets are so healthy. While it is true that we are better than everyone else, that doesn't mean we're above good humor!
Alas, jokes made against vegans are not harm against animals, so we have no beef about it. Pun intended.
To demonstrate that we come in peace with our non-vegan friends and family, here are some well constructed vegan jokes that will cultivate a much needed sense of levity in the world around us!
Vegan Jokes
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Why do vegans have to get up at 4:30am? To milk the almonds!
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Why did the vegan cross the road? To tell you they're vegan.
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What does a vegan zombie eat? Grrrraaaaaainns!
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Did you hear about the new vegan perfume? It's called 5 minute lecture!
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Why did the tofu cross the road? To prove he wasn't chicken!
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Why are vegan jokes always so good? They're never cheesy!
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A vegan and a vegetarian jump off a cliff to see who will land first, who wins? Society.
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How can you tell if a mummy is a vegan? Don't worry, he'll tell ya!
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What do gothic vegans say? Hail Seitan!
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Why wasn't the vegan allowed at the party? Because he'll kale the vibe.
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How can you tell if someone is a vegan feminist? Uh, that's not funny!
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Why did the emo kid go vegan? He hated plants.
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What did the vegan massage therapist say to their client? Romaine calm and relax.
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Why did the regular guy decide to go vegan? He thought he had too many friends.
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Why did the vegan become a cyclist? He wasn't hated enough already.
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What is the crime of killing a vegan called? Hummus-cide.
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What is the hardest thing about being a vegan who does CrossFit? Deciding which one to tell people about first.
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Why are vegan girls so silent during sex? They can't admit that meat makes 'em happy!
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Why did the vegan with a hummus stain on his shirt get called a pervert? He had a chick-pea all over him!
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How many vegans does it take to change a lightbulb? 2. One to take the old bulb out. One to check the new bulb for animal ingredients.
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Why won't people go vegan? They don't carrot all!
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Why did the vegan become a comedian? He liked roasting the vegetables.
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What last words do vegans softly speak at funerals? "I'm vegan"
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What do you call a vegan post-punk band? Soy Division
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How do you frighten a vegan? "Crop death!"
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Where is a safe space vegans can eat out? Their bedrooms.
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What do you call a bunch of vegans lecturing people about their diets? The Spinach Inquisition!
The vegan cyclist joke is my all-time favorite. Most people are irritated by vegans when they have to deal with them one-on-one at a dinner or a work event where food is being served, but there's a lot more tolerance now than there used to be.
As for cyclists, nothing has changed. There's still a no-holds barred hatred for people who cycle.
So if you're a vegan who doesn't cycle and you want to be more obnoxious than you already are, think about maxing that credit card out on one of those really expensive bikes that cost more than most people's cars.
Then you can just ride to work brimming with arrogance knowing everyone has reached peak hatred against you.
If you enjoyed these fun vegan jokes, check out Beer Trivia For Your Next Party!
